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Upscale the Premises

Penny Tration & Ward Ofmouth were busy rolling out their bedroll. They had set up camp in God knows where.Unraveling.Unwinding.Ward was thinking what Penny already knew.But then he surprised her with a direct inquiry.

“Is ye olde cleaver hot yet dear one?,”he mumbled.

“Gettin’ there,”she answered directly.

“Well when it ’tis sweet babe,rustle me up some willya?”

“Sure thing,”replied Penny pensively.

Ward Ofmouth had faith & belief,so he sat still on a nearby log and waited while his protuberance ran.He told himself that it didn’t.

Meanwhile Penny’s membranes were dampening with the coming of the evening dew.Nothing new for her.She had a long memory and recalled other sunsets with bigger men.Butt this would be different she hoped.Yes, false hope springs eternal when you’re already pretty wet and/or pretty AND wet as Penny was.Just at that moment they heard a strange voice off in the distance say,”Did you hear that?” But they didn’t and neither of them desired to be distracted from their desires.Would you? So they saturated themselves in ignore -trance & bliss. As was to be expected Ward was denuded first,in hopes of being rewarded with a quick but deep and profound climax.

Penny was demurely covering herself with tent canvas when she entreated Ward,”I hate to ask you but would you help me undo my harness?”

“My pleasure,”Ward stroked up.

Now they were both without a shred of shame and he was cooing and oozing.Butt just then again there was a most distracting sound not that far off in the distance.This time both Penny and Ward confirmed that this annunciation must be the plaintive wail of a swarthy male.Butt why at this late hour?Even the pizza delivery boys had hung up their saddles by now.

“I’m gonna go take a peek,”declared Ward.

“Be careful and watch yourself,”Penny commanded,knowing that it was a both a physical and metaphysical impossibility.But that was just how she was.

Ward let his twelve gauge slither into his arms. Nice and comfy the way he liked it.Then he ventured out into the wilds.After quite a trek he thought that perhaps he was onto something when he felt some cheese grab his heel.Looking down at the ground he realized that it was just a false alarm.That made his thoughts go to aviation and lost aviators and people that parachute.Those that parachute into unknown lands.Those that are not even armed with a map.And here he was tramping along with a loaded brand new twelve gauge shotgun.Both he and the weapon fully loaded.He found himself feeling ashamed.He found himself yet could not find where that swarthy male might be.More shame.More intense self abasement,yet he soldiered on.

That’s why they call it “the great outdoors.”That’s why so many answer the call of the wild with a chuckle not a yelp Ward thought.That’s why both the North and the South poles are often referred to derisively as “home of the bray,land of the freeze.” It’s never easy to whistle in the dark when it’s twenty below.Ward’s lips were too dry for anything very melodic to come forth anyhow. Ward waddled on looking here & there. He left no twig unturned, but in reality found nothing to be any more disturbed than usual. He had been in the uncanny valley many times prior to this trip. He had ventured there both with glee & other times reluctantly.This particular sojourn was neither. He just  found himself  there… again,in the uncanny valley…this time without a friend. Penny was still back at the camp site.

Her head was beginning to be filled with wonder, not like Dorothy in the Land of Oz, not like Felix Frankfurter after World War II. No this was more like lost curiosity. This was an emotion that felt pregnant with both potential & with dread in her head. And sure enough as she craned her neck struggling & straining to try to hear just what was up, she bumped her noggin on a birch branch & a thunderous blast of sound off in the wild shattered her ear drums.She knew then for sure that from here on out she would only fly solo.

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